February 24, 2017

Drowning in Fear

These last ten months have been very hard on me. You see, my Mr had a heart attack in April of last year. My worst nightmare had come to be a reality. Thanks be to God he survived it but, since then he has had trouble with his feet, ankles and lower legs swelling. We have had every heart test done with the exception of a catherization which is not something you just want to easily do. It comes with it's own set of extremes including death. 

The cardiologist put him on a water pill which really is just a band-aid. Mr also has a 50% blockage in the same artery a way down the line which at this point, I want fixed immediately but Mr wants to wait until his appointment in March to discuss what tests will be needed first and then proceed from there. In the meantime, Mr's feet keep swelling up like balloons with no rhyme or reason despite the water pill. Now I am not a doctor but I am pretty medically savvy having had my own misfortune of being ill for the last twenty some odd years so I have learned a lot over the years. What this tells me is that Mr's heart is not working properly and he could have another heart attack at any time and this time we may not be so blessed and if that weren't enough, Mr went to the dentist the other day to have two teeth pulled and the doctor found something in his cheek so in March we are off to an oral surgeon to have it biopsied as our dentist is concerned about cancer. 

So you see, my anxiety and fear has been at an all time high. 

As I was sitting tonight trying to catch up on the Mass readings for the entire week ( I fell behind due to my own poor health) I came to Tuesday's reading and it's from the book of Sirach. I believe the Lord is telling me to listen to him through this scripture but I have to be honest when I tell you that lately it's been extremely hard for me. I have been praying and begging the Lord to help me trust Him but it's been a deep, deep struggle for me but this scripture passage has stood out to me like a neon sign and one I think I'm going to try and read every single day. I thought I would share it here for you all in case there are others who like me are dealing with real fear and anxiety over serious life circumstances. 

Sirach 2:1-11

My son, When you come to serve the Lord, stand in justice and fear, prepare yourself for trials. Be sincere of heart and steadfast, incline your ear and receive the word of understanding, undisturbed in time of adversity. Wait on God, with patience, cling to Him, forsake him not thus you will be wise in all your ways.  Accept whatever befalls you, when sorrowful, be steadfast, and in crushing misfortune be patient. For in fire gold and silver are tested, and worthy people in the crucible of humiliation.  Trust God and God will help you, trust in Him and He will direct your way; keep His fear and grow old therein. 

I am trying.. Please pray for us...

February 19, 2017

Hidden Gems

Who loves thrifting? I do! Two weeks ago me and the Mr went out on a Saturday morning and decided to hit some of the local thrift shops. Not much was found. There was one shop we had been really interested in going into. They have just opened in a building that used to house a very large furniture store. I had also been following them on Facebook and the items they posted always looked interesting and nice.

I figured it was an upscale thrift shop that didn't take a lot of junk as many of them do. Sadly, most of the shops in my area look like nothing more than yard sales in a building. A lot of old dirty junk. So we ventured into this new shop and it was huge. Lots and lots of space and....

Lots and lots of junk! Yep. Disappointment but sometimes you have to dig through all that thrift shop disappointment because you may come across a hidden gem. And I did!. 
Once I got past all the dust and the smell that reminded of a musty basement that hadn't seen the light of day or the fresh air in fifty years I found this little 'diamond in the rough'.

She was a little rough, covered in dirt but I just thought this little vase was so pretty and feminine. The moment I saw it I knew exactly where I would put it. On my dresser on the tray that reminds me of my mom. I cleaned her up and she sparkled and now sits among the items I hold dear to my heart..
Everyone once in a while you do find a hidden gem among the rubble. 

Not Knowing

There are times in life when not knowing the answer to something can cause great anxiety. It's usually called, fear of the unknown. I try my very best not to be riddled with anxiety when situations and circumstances present themselves in my life that honestly, I have not the first clue about but, there are times when not knowing something can really make you a little stir crazy. Right now for me, well at this moment, it's all about this guy.

For those of you who don't know, this is our Alvin. He was given to us by our veterinarian office back in June of last year. The story was that he was found by an employee and had been at the office for more than two weeks and he needed a good home. They had no other information on him at all except a guestimate about his age and the fact that he was as I was told, "a little crazy" and that he 'has a habit of screaming'.
Of course me being the dog lover I am my first thought was , yes I'll take him. We have rescue's now and have had others so I figured whats one more? Then slowly the questions began to creep in. Could he have genetic health issue's that in the end would cost me all my savings to help him? ( have been there too many times before) Would the other dogs accept him? In a few months time could he literally lose his mind? (have had this happen before) Would his behavioral problems become something at this age I couldn't handle anymore? But as I said, being the absolute dog lover I am, I threw caution to the wind and we took him home. 
Alvin fit in just fine and has become part of us all. We have noticed that yes he does scream but thats because he suffers from severe separation anxiety which we're working on or trying to. We also learned he doesn't like the phrase " bad boy" and takes it quite seriously. We didn't realize how serious until last night.  Once again he wouldn't come in from outside when I called him so I told him he was a "bad boy".
That did it. He stayed still as a statue in the backyard and wouldn't move. I could have offered him all the cookies in the world, he wasn't moving. Just sitting and staring. Finally my Mr. got him to come up to the back door which he was doing very gingerly as if he thought I was going to beat him or something. When he reached my husband he was cowering in fear and peeing at the same time. Once my Mr reassured him everything was okay he walked slowly over to me and was peeing again and cowering. It absolutely broke - my - heart. I scooped him up and put some serious lovin' on him he probably thought I was never going to let him go. 

This is the bad part about a rescue. You just never know what may have happened to them before they came to you and that not knowing is truly tough. My heart broke for him all night every time I thought about this incident. Alvin slept curled up next to me all night long and my husband I have vowed to never, ever tell him he's a bad boy ever again.